Why do I act this way? Its almost like I'm trying to push my daughter away.
When in reality I'm just tired of everyone else... the frustration has built up for so long I'm having a hard time keeping my cool.

I'm like a teenager who is always frustrated and willing to fight. The nagging of others and the ideas they have on how I should parent I feel like a constant letdown because I can never meet others expectations, then I think why do they expect so much from me and just put myself down thinking since I can't do anything right or am not good enough maybe I should just stop trying so hard to be excepted, maybe I can't draw good enough so why should I even bother drawing anymore maybe I can't design things for people fast enough or good enough maybe I should just stop, everyone tells me to stop , stop thinking about working in that field of design its to hard to get a job or there is no stability or you wouldn't be able to work the hours anyways, so I should just stop right. Even though people around me are always telling me I can't do things I still want too , I'm not sure if its to prove them wrong or just because doing those types of jobs make me happy. 

But I find I daught myself all the time and I'm tired and angry ... all I want to do is make sierra happy give her a life I didn't have keep her from having to worry about things in life that children shouldn't have too. but I end up hurting the one I love the most .... sighs

I somehow end up pushing her away I don't mean too but I do and the real issue is how do I let her know that I love her , that I'll never leave her, that she is everything to me, even when I'm upset I don't mean to yell or get angry or make her feel bad ... I love her so much but how can I hurt her so at the same time, why are people so selfish? am I really that selfish too?I need to stop trying to get others around her to want to spend time with her and just be with her myself. I want to hide her from the scary things in this world , I want to protect her, I want to keep her safe but I also want her more then anything to grow up knowing that she is truly loved.

I want to take her away from all this sadness that she feels.

Distorted View

I find people have a distorted view or lets say a single sided view or maybe even a selective view ... you get the picture right , well if you don't its ok because I don't really think anyone reads what I write which is ok because I can seriously say that I write on here for me and not for others opinions not that I mind others thoughts but I don't think I do it for attention ,,,well I hope I don't.
I have been watching anime lately and I find the view of a happy ending isn't a ending but a beginning I suppose  which makes sense but for a person like me , I don't like it I want to know that it will end right I want to know if she knows he loves her I want to know that she will wake up and they will be a family .. I suppose I have a lot of I wants in there ...but for me I suppose its the need to know ..the understanding of what happens ... I need to get it

Here I go

I have hit a bump and need to find what I need to get over it , the problem is I have no clue how to.

I sit and watch how the days go by not knowing what will happen next
The unknown future scares me so
I'm stuck in a hole that has no bottom no up no down
The life I want is so uncertain
the honesty I give to myself is false and half there
I want so much but the walls just seem to build
every which way I look there is another and when that one falls one more will appear
I feel that to overcome these walls I must break free
But I am unsure of how to do so
My idea of freedom is still unknown
I can dream but am told my dreams are too big
Why do I have to settle ? Why can my dreams not come true? Why must others feel the need to dampen my dreams , my ideas , my hopes ....
as if I have to be torn down just like my walls , and live the way others think I should.
Why is it that others find it ok to bash what people want , a dream , a wish .... a persons hope
I feel like a teenager who can't live a life that they dream
I feel like a child who just can't do it right
I don't know what to do or do I ?
Life is not easy nor shall one person get what they want without trying or fighting for it
But why is it that I feel that I can't even have the chance to fight
Why is it that people who are suppose to love me tell me I can't
you can't.. stop trying.. It won't happen , why would you want that? why can't you just be happy? why can't you just be normal? am I not normal do I not wish for the same as others
to have dreams and want them to come true well maybe I'm not sure of what dreams I have or maybe my dreams will change or I will dream for more once I reach one goal but isn't that my choice , why do they feel that its their opinion that matters more that they have to be right!
I don't force what I want on others
I don't tell people their stupid for wanting more
I don't judge and say its never going to be happen
I would never tell someone their not good enough
So why do they do it to me?
Why is it that I'm not allowed to have wishes , hopes, and dreams for something better?
I feel like a child who is always looking for herself like I'm lost and don't know my way back
I'm scared and alone and want to be loved and cared for
Why is that so much to ask for?
Why can't that be something valid for me to want ?
I feel like a child alone and looking for something anything a glimmer of hope that life doesn't have to just be ... just be this way.
That life can be more
That happiness can happen
I feel like a teenager who is lost in a worlds so scary and so full of evil that I'm looking for that light that shinning light that will pull me back to what I need to live in this world of evil and hate.
I feel like I'm being placed in this box with the same four walls and the same objects and I can't get out and the box is getting smaller and all I want to do is run break free
Why is it that when people think they are helping they are really just doing it to help themselves to make it easier for themselves ?
I can't be the only person who thinks this
Is it really this way are people so self absorbed that others only matter if they are doing something for them ?
 When I feel the wall getting higher or the box getting smaller I lose the erg to fight , for when I fight and I break the wall or am close to opening the box a little something happens something always happens and the box snaps back harder and smaller and the wall just rebuilds But I know that I still have a lot of fight left in me and that one day I will be strong enough to break that wall and that the box will open ...

I guess right now that is what my hope is for that I can become strong enough to do that and find my dreams or hopes what they may be... that I can  make them be true no matter how big or small they may be because after all they are my dreams my wishes my ideas ... but there is still so much uncertainty
I suppose I need to be stronger , strong enough to stand up to those who see me as unrealistic
those who see me as mellow dramatic, those who see my ideas , dreams, hopes as childish as foolish ... I need to have hopes I can't be just another lifeless person , Its not who I am , I'm mellow dramatic , I'm hopeful , I have wishes and hopes and I just need to find my strength for I can't just be simple its just not who I am .... ahhh but why do I have so much doubt  sighs and how do I build up strength? 

How does one hide them self

How does one hide them self
like completely hide them self
from the pain the hurt and the sorrow of their own life
one cannot just hide from that
one cannot control all of ones certainties
how is one expected to do such a thing
for others can hide
others can run
others can leave
but one has to stay
for it is one and one cant hide from them self

Ice inside


... who do you think you are?

I try

Its all I can really do..Is try my best to be the best I can be ... what more can I do
I can't change what people do
I can't change how people act
I can't make someone love me nor can I make someone like me
But at the end of the day I still feel lonely
Like I'm on this neverending quest to find someone who will care about me
Who will care for me
Who won't give up on me
Who won't leave me when they get bored
who will like me even love me
Someone who wants me in their life as much as I want them

A person who won't run away when my life seems unbearable
when things don't go well but they will stay there and be with me through it
someone who loves me for me sometimes it seems like I feel like a child
looking for a mother
It hurts too much to want what I can't have
but when people toy with you and you just become accustomed to something
its hard to break the habit
of wanting to be loved
I have so much love to give it can be unbearable I suppose
why is it so wrong for me to want a constant in my life
I love my child more then anything in the world
But how am I suppose to teach her about love other then my own
when she can't see people who love her other then me

I love her for her
I know how hard life is
I'm not going to try to break her so she has to learn things the hard way
I'm going to be supportive and loving and caring and give her the most unconditional Love
There are no strings attached to my love of her
I have no alternative motive for loving her
why can't people just love
why does there always have to be something in it for someone in order to do something

Undecided

I feel like a child ... the feeling I get, it happens a lot and once I started to talk about how I feel. Things just started to make more sense to me about how I act, how I react and how I cope with everyday things in live. It sucks because the more I realize it the more I understand and that sucks even more because It will be hard for me to overcome this ... this/these feelings I'm not saying I won't overcome them I know over time I have overcome many obstacles I just wish I realized this feeling a long time ago. things  well things would have been so much easier if I only knew how to cope and deal with them sooner, but I understand some of what I have to do. And I know its not going to happen overnight but in time who knows one....two .... ten years from now I may even look back at this and be like ... my my haven't you changed. I only hope I can get through all this without losing myself. I feel like I have lost myself before and well this may not make sense to many but as soon as I find myself I know I can be well....well I can be me.